memorable quotes….Season 1
July 4, 2008
Kevin: Hey.
Angela: Hey.
Kevin: You wanna go to the beach?
Angela: Sure.
Kevin: You wanna get high?
Angela: No.
Kevin: I think you do, mon.
[Jim set a fence of pencils up between Dwight and his desk]
Dwight Schrute: Your pencils are creating a health hazard. I could fall and pierce an organ.
Dwight Schrute: Someone forged medical information, and that’s a felony.
Jim Halpert: OK, Whoa, all right ’cause that’s a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they’re fake?
Dwight Schrute: [reading from a sheet] Uh, Leprosy, Flesh Eating Bacteria, Hot Dog Fingers, Government Created Killer Nano Robot Infection.
Jim Halpert: Because right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I’d have to throw myself in front of a train.
Michael Scott: This is our receptionist, Pam. If you think she’s cute now, you should have seen her a couple years ago.
Michael Scott: What is the single most important thing for a company? Is it the building? Is it the stock? Is it the turnover? It’s the people. The *people*. My proudest moment here wasn’t when I increased profits by 17%, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No, no, no, no. It was a young Guatamalan guy, first job in the country, hardly spoke a word of English, but he came to me and he went “Mr. Scott, will you be the Godfather to my child?” Wow. *Wow.* Didn’t work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.
Michael Scott: I guess the atmosphere that I’ve tried to create here is that I’m a friend first and a boss second, and probably an entertainer third.
Pam Beesley: I don’t think it would be the worst thing if they let me go. Because then I might…
[pauses]
Pam Beesley: Its just, I don’t think it’s many girls’ dream to be a receptionist.
Dwight Schrute: Dammit, he put my stapler in jello again!
[Points to Michael]
Dwight Schrute: You can be a witness to this.
Jim Halpert: [eating jello] How do you know it was me?
Michael Scott: You’ll notice, I didn’t have anybody being Arab. I thought that would be too explosive, uh, no pun intended. But I just thought, “too soon” for Arabs, maybe next year. You know, the ball’s in their court.
Michael Scott: This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell outta here.
Dwight Schrute: [running into work after discovering it really was a Friday] I’m here! It’s okay!
Michael Scott: I’m friends with everybody in this office. We’re all best friends. I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late and start having dentist appointments that aren’t dentist appointments, and that is when it’s nice to let them know that you could beat them up.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I went hunting once. Shot a deer in the leg. Had to kill it with a shovel. Took about an hour. Why do you ask?
Dwight Schrute: Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most.
Pam Beesley: The thing about Jim is… when he’s excited about something- like the Office Olympics- he gets really into it and he does a really great job. But the problem with Jim is that he works here so… that hardly ever happens.
Phyllis: [the employees are listing what books they would like to read on a desert island] The DaVinci Code.
Angela: The DaVinci Code. I would bring The DaVinci Code. So I could burn The DaVinci Code.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah right, that would keep you warm for like 7 seconds.
Dwight Schrute: Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of Oklahoma in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutey, the mailman. They had too many kids so they made up roles like that… I was good.
Michael Scott: Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and… I have a great one. “Little Kid Lover”. That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.
Edward R. Meow: [Michael and the employees kids are watching the young Michael on an old puppet show] So, tell me, what do you wanna be when you grow up?
Young Michael Scott: I wanna be married and have 100 kids so I can have 100 friends, and no one can say no to being my friend.
Edward R. Meow: [Long pause] Uh… oh, ok. Well, nice talking with you, Michael. Back to you, Miss Trudy!
Melissa Hudson: [after Michael turns off the clip] Did you get married?
Michael Scott: Uh, no…
Abby: Why not?
Michael Scott: Uh, it just never happened.
Sasha: So, do you have any kids?
Michael Scott: Uh, nope.
Jake Palmer: Do you have a girlfriend?
Michael Scott: I do ok.
Melissa Hudson: Was Chet Montgomery cool back then?
Jake Palmer: Even I have a girlfriend.
Michael Scott: Ok. Alright, ok.
Sasha: So you didn’t get to be who you wanted to be.
Michael Scott: [pause] I guess not…
Dwight Schrute: [Talking quietly to Angela with Ryan nearby, trying badly to hide their affair] What about that meeting later to… discuss finances?
Angela: Yes… but don’t expect any cookie.
Dwight Schrute: [Slowly] But what if I’m hungry?
Angela: No cookie.
Ryan Howard: [Knowing what they were really talking about, stares into the camera at a total loss for words]
Oscar: Both my parents were born in Mexico, and they moved to the United States a year before I was born, so I grew up in the United States… my parents were Mexican.
Michael Scott: Wow, that is a great story. That’s the American dream right there, right? Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides ‘Mexican’ that you prefer? Something less offensive?
Michael Scott: I am Michael, and I am part English, Irish, German, and Scottish, sort of a virtual United Nations.
Dwight Schrute: In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, “Ow, I hurt my leg. I can’t run. A lion eats me and I’m dead.” Well, I’m not dead. I’m the lion, you’re dead.
Pam Beesley: There’s nothing new.
Michael Scott: That’s not what you said earlier.
Pam Beesley: Oh, do you want me to repeat the messages that I gave you before?
Michael Scott: The most sacred thing I do is care… Today I am in charge of picking a great new healthcare plan. Right? That’s what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um, yes. Like a specialist.
Jan Levinson-Gould: Some times a manager – like yourself – has to deliver the bad news to the employees. I do it all the time.
Michael Scott: Oh yeah, when have you ever done that?
Jan Levinson-Gould: I’m doing it right now, to you.
Jim Halpert: Last night on “Trading Spouses,” there’s… did you see it?
Pam Beesley: No, I have a life.
Jim Halpert: Interesting, what’s that like?
Pam Beesley: You should try it some time.
Jim Halpert: Wow. But then who would watch my TV?
Dwight Schrute: Okay, first, let’s go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
Michael Scott: Uh, none: you’re picking a healthcare plan.
Dwight Schrute: Please knock, this is an office.
Jim Halpert: It
[pointing to sign]
Jim Halpert: says “work space”.
Dwight Schrute: Same thing.
Jim Halpert: If it’s the same thing, then why’d you write “work space”?
Dwight Schrute: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam Beesley: Why would you wanna raise your cholesterol?
Dwight Schrute: So I can lower it.
Jan Levinson-Gould: [on phone] Dwight, listen to me very carefully: you are not a manager of anything. Understand?
Dwight Schrute: That’s not entirely true, because he put me in charge of picking a healthcare plan.
Jan Levinson-Gould: Really? Okay, when Michael gets back, you tell him to call me immediately.
Dwight Schrute: Call you immediately, good. Hey listen, since I have you on the phone, um, can I fire Jim?
Jan Levinson-Gould: No.
Dwight Schrute: Number one: Inverted Penis.
Meredith: Could you mean vagina? Cause if you do, I want that covered.
Dwight Schrute: I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy.
Meredith: A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.
Michael Scott: I learned improv from the greats, like Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles.
Michael Scott: I think if I was allergic to dairy I’d kill myself.
Jim Halpert: God, this is so sad, this is the smallest amount of power I’ve ever seen go to someone’s head.
Pam Beesley: I’m just saying Roy is very competitive and he wants to take the waverunners to the lake this Saturday, so…
Jim Halpert: Well I’m going to the outlet mall on Saturday, so if you wanna save big on brand names, and Roy has to work, which he will, because I’m also competitive, you should feel free to come along.
Pam Beesley: Um, I think I’m gonna be up at the lake.
Jim Halpert: I think I’ll see you at the mall… yeah.
Michael Scott: [trying to motivate an employee for the basketball game] You’ll be like the dwarf that follows the wizard to the end of the earth in… uh… Lord of the Rings!
Dwight Schrute: Gimli.
Michael Scott: …NERD. THAT’s why you’re not on the team.
Michael Scott: I know ‘grumble grumble’, but you would follow me to the ends of the earth grumblin’ all the way. Like that uh dwarf from “Lord of the Rings”.
Dwight Schrute: Gimli.
Michael Scott: Nerd. That is why you’re not on the team.
Dwight Schrute: Just tryin’ to be helpful.
Michael Scott: Oh ul, I’ll ul. Dragon Slayer. Ten point power sword.
Jim Halpert: That’s him.
Michael Scott: I need something personal… like an illness.
Dwight Schrute: Well, she had a hysterectomy.
Michael Scott: Which one is that again?
Dwight Schrute: That’s when they remove the uterus -…
Michael Scott: No! Dwight! God…
Dwight Schrute: Studies show that more information is passed through watercooler gossip than through official memos, which puts me at a disadvantage because
[picks up water bottle]
Dwight Schrute: I bring my own water to work.
Dwight Schrute: The purse girl hits everything on my checklist: creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts. Not for me… for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.
[Michael attempts to assemble a basketball team and Oscar, of Mexican descent, approaches]
Oscar: I can play, if you need any help.
Michael Scott: I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we ever decide to box.
Michael Scott: A lot of the people here don’t get trophies very often, like Meridith or Kevin. I mean who’s gonna give Kevin an award, Dunkin’ Donuts?
Toby: I need to talk to you in your office, it’ll just take two seconds.
Michael Scott: Literally two seconds?
Michael Scott: Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he’s really not a part of our family. Also, he’s divorced, so he’s really not a part of his family.
Dwight Schrute: [Diversity Day exercise; Dwight has a card on his head that says "Asian"] … lots of cultures eat rice, that doesn’t help me.
Dwight Schrute: I have been Michael’s number two guy for about five years, and we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like Mozart’s friend. No, I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you’re gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
Pam Beesley: [about the office awards the Dundees] You know what they say about a car wreck, where it’s so awful you can’t look away? The Dundees are like a car wreck that you want to look away from but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.
Dwight Schrute: [to the tune of "We Didn't Start The Fire"] Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe, Ryan started the fire!
Dwight Schrute: So you got the fax. So why didn’t you add it to the resume? What do you mean? Of course martial arts training is relevant. Oh excuse me, I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ. Uh, yeah, I get a little frustrated when I’m dealing with incompetence. Well, you know what? You can go to hell and I will see you there. Burning. Fine. Oh, wait, so you’ll let me know when you’ve made a decision?
Ryan’s Voicemail: Seven new messages. First new message:
Michael Scott: Hi, Ryan. This is Saddam Hussein.
Ryan’s Voicemail: Next message:
Michael Scott: Hey, Ryan, this is your girlfriend and I’m mad.
Pam Beesley: [trying to make Dwight think that it's Friday] Hey, did you watch The Apprentice last night?
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I can’t believe who they kicked out!
Pam Beesley: Oh, I know!
Dwight Schrute: Damn it! I missed it! I was out drinking with my Laser Tage Team, I can’t believe I did that! I never go out on Thursday nights.
[looks down shaking his head]
Jim Halpert: [raises hands in the air whispering] Yes!
Jim Halpert: Dwight thinks it’s Friday so that’s what I’m going to be doing this afternoon.
Jim Halpert: Just have Dwight punch you.
Michael Scott: Oh, yeah!
[scoffs]
Michael Scott: Well, that would be kinda worthless because I know a ton of 14-year-old girls who can kick his ass.
Jim Halpert: You know a ton of 14-year-old girls?
Dwight Schrute: What belt are they?
Jim Halpert: The Albany branch is working right through lunch, to prevent downsizing. But, Michael, he decided to extend our lunch by an hour, so that we could all go down to the dojo and watch him fight Dwight.
Michael Scott: Would I rather be feared or loved? Um… Easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
Jim Halpert: My roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m making Dwight up.
[takes a deep breath, shakes head]
Jim Halpert: He is very real.
[sighs]
